This is another section from what I’m calling the swing chapter. This is the chapter where I transition from talking about taking control of my life to giving that control back to God. In this section, I talk about how my addiction to control impacted me in a really negative way. As always feel free to let me know what you think.
Fishing and women are two popular subjects among men and they both play an interesting role in my story. Part of the reason they play a role is that for a long time I assumed that fishing and women have a good deal in common. I have sensed learn the foolishness in this assumption but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. A few years ago, I experienced a pretty lonely summer and I found myself thinking quite a bit about a girl I had met the previous summer. To make a long story short, I visited a friend living in a different city for a weekend and met a nice Christian girl. We hung out for a day and I had a really fun getting to know her.
This was the first time in my life where I had really meaningful conversations with someone I was attracted to. That weekend came to an end though and we each went our separate ways. I didn’t have much dating experience at the time and I over interpreted that fun time together. That led to developing a really big crush on her even though the pretty much all of our communication was long distance. It was through this sporadic communication that I slowly became aware of the fact that my interest was not reciprocated; I didn’t take that well. That knowledge didn’t put me in the best place emotionally because I had become pretty excited about this girl. She was basically my first crush and I fell hard when things didn’t work out.
Fast forward a few months and I was still smarting from hitting the ground after my hard fall; that’s where the fishing enters the scene of this exciting drama. I was visiting some friends in Arkansas and they suggested I go fishing at a local park. This sounded like a good idea and the first day really panned out for me. I caught fish left and right, enjoyed the beauty of nature, and basically had a wonderful day. It was such a great experience that I invited one of my friends to join me a couple days later; that’s when things got interesting. Upon arrival we discovered a few interesting details about the park.
For one, we could only fish in one section of the park if we didn’t pay for a guide, something I had done on my first excursion. Secondly, the one area that we could fish had just been depleted by 40 fish because someone paid to fish and take them home. To make another long story short; we got skunked and returned home only with stories of woe and sadness. I’m being a little over dramatic; there was just stories of woe. Either way we didn’t catch anything and that really got to me. I found myself in the gutter emotionally and filled with despair. That may seem like a bit of an exaggeration for a bad fishing trip and that’s because it was.
I reacted that way because my emotional state had become dependent on how much I could control my world.
Getting rejected by that girl hurt but it stung for months on end because it threw doubt on my ability to control my world. My problems with porn and co-dependency had control at their heart. I used both of them to control my world and I kept using them after I realized they didn’t bring me what I wanted for that same reason; I needed to feel in control. Getting a girl to marry me seemed like the ultimate source of control because it could bring me unconditional love. I also assumed that I wouldn’t have to look at porn anymore if I got married. When things didn’t work out with that girl, it made me doubt whether I could get any girl to like me; much less marry me. The idea that I couldn’t use control to get the ultimate desire of my heart made my world shake and it was still shaking months later.
To read the rest of the story, you’ll have to check back in next Thursday for the next book preview.
Image Copyright: Steven Depoloby