I don’t like being weak. While, it’s a vital part of my relationship with God, it’s not something which excites me.
In recent months, I’ve had a fair amount of dealings with my distaste for personal weakness. Back in November, I experienced a mild concussion. Some of the symptoms of this concussion have not completely faded.
Long story short, I’ve had a mild to moderate headache for about three months now. Sadly, this symptom and a couple others, don’t respond well to looking at screens and/or a good deal of concentration. I wrote the rough draft of this post in my notebook.
My writing in general has stalled as well because concentration and critical thinking make the headache worse.
I’ve been to all the docs, done the tests, and they assure me there is no permanent damage done. Sometimes it just takes the symptoms awhile to go away. They are fading bit by bit so at some point I should be back at one hundred percent.
For example, I am writing this draft on my laptop and hope to post it soon. A couple months ago, this would not have been possible without feeling quite nauseous (I didn’t know how to spell that word). I am still not excited about marching through even the final stage of this season.
Many of the easy and simple tasks in life take more of my mental margin than I would prefer. I also have a growing list of ideas for writing and yet I haven’t been able to organize them into words on a screen. Both of these problems lead to a difficult mixture of frustration and tiredness.
A few times I’ve stopped and asked myself why this happened. Why would God allow me to be hurt in a way that keeps me from working? I think a way to answer that question is to ask why not working bothers me.
Though not writing has freed up some of my time, I’ve had enough things in my life to keep me occupied. I say this to point out that boredom is not the culprit here. I think it’s something deeper.
These headaches have taken the strength to write consistently and spend plentiful time on a screen. I really want these strengths. I want them because I think they’re important to me earning or proving my value.
As someone who doesn’t have a 9-5 job, I worry people think less of me. The most apparent solution is to be successful in my writing. My preference for this solution is important to seeing the nature of the problem.
My heart doesn’t think it’s enough to put in the work or even to be a good writer. It assumes I must be SEEN as a good writer.
This means being weak is not the entire problem. I don’t like being seen as weak. Now we’re getting to the heart of the matter.
My desire to not seem weak might seem odd. I don’t mind talking about my sin struggles on this blog. When it comes to sharing struggles, I think I place my hope in improvement.
I don’t mind saying ‘Hey, I struggle with self-righteousness, but don’t worry because I’m fighting it with God’s help and hope to see progress.’ Talking about a plan for improvement is not the same as a pure display of weakness though. This season of weakness has brought this to light for me.
I’m not sure when the situation will be totally resolved. I’ve done pretty much all I can do besides continuing to wait. Waiting in weakness is not fun though because a little voice in my head tells me others are going to notice.
There’s a reason I didn’t post about this sooner. I wanted the headaches to go away one night as I sleep and to attack the next day with a frenzy of writing. That hasn’t happened.
I don’t think it’s going to happen. I think I am going to step back into wellness and strength one day at a time. I also think this is the best path.
I have an incredible opportunity right now. A spotlight is shining on my desire to earn value through writing. I cannot ignore it because the desire presses upon me and grows each time a day passes without any writing.
Getting to the bottom of this desire and informing it with truth will be super helpful for me well past when my headache clears. The weight of earning or proving my value sat on my shoulders before the headache began.
If I don’t speak God’s truth into it, my desire to earn value through writing will be a heavier weight than my current headache.
It’s burden will push me to focus on what I can do to prove myself. Then it will steal opportunities to rest in what God has done for me. God’s love and his sacrifice for me assigns me an incredible value which I cannot increase with my efforts.
This truth has the power to give me incredible peace beyond my imagination. I cannot experience this peace while I grasp for the apparent value of recognition through writing. That would be like trying to let go of something while trying to hold onto it at the same time.
Doing both is not possible. I must let go of one to experience the other.
This does not mean I am going to stop writing. I expect future posts will follow this one. I also have some other stuff up my sleeve.
I almost don’t want to post the last sentence though. You probably won’t see those projects for awhile. Just getting out this post was not easy. Until you do see a future post or project, know God loves you and I regardless of what we do to earn approval or value.
There is incredible peace and rest in his love. It does not depend on what you have done.
Image Copyright: Jessica Crossby